Nina has been giving me pains in the heart lately -- and I have been quite Bersabar until today. Today, I broke down because I feel like I am at my wits' end. If I do A, she might do this, if I do B, she might do that.
When I was 12, I don't think I had given my parents too much trouble. I was a reasonably good girl. I stayed within limits of my parents' rules and regulations.
Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we had remained in Malaysia. I think it would but we are here already so I really can't dwell on that.
Maybe she is going through a phase and once she's gone past it, things would be better.
Sometimes I feel like I want to blame my husband for "spoiling and indulging" her. Her clothes are from branded stores, her shoes are way too pricey for her age, and just because all her friends in school have BB, she wanted one too and darn it, she eventually got one too! At the same time, he imposed a lot of don'ts in her life. And given her "savviness" in IT, it's easy for her to "manipulate" us parents in thinking that she is observing the don'ts when she is really not.
I had tried my damn hard to become an understanding mom. To become her friend whom she can talk to about everything. I was young once too, I would tell her. I thought we were okay ...
When she used to have a diary, I gave her all the privacy she wanted and never once I read the contents. Even when I came upon them accidentally, I kept the contents to myself and never judged her. But this time around, I "hacked" into her laptop and what I found, I don't like and I am finding it hard not to judge her.
But it's her exam week and I can't be emotionally stressing her. But I am sad, dissappointed, angry ... I want my sweet child back! Ya Allah, please give me strength .... and show me the right way.
Nina, if you ever read this one day... you really made me cried today.
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